do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
