Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
