And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
