I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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