I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
