How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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