I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
