btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
