Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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