hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you would pick up someone in the library
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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