someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
