That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
