There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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