what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
