Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
