Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
