3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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