Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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