I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
