That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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