I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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