So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
