I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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