Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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