I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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