drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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