I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
