I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
