dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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