Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
