He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
