im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so much tequila, so little girl.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
