shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hippo gnu deer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.