It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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