get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
