you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
