I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
