All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
