yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
