You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
