The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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