sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
