She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
