Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
