You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
