I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
