i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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