this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
