also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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