smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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