i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
