Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
