Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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