I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
