i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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