Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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