I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
