Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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